Saying no to your partner can be uncomfortable, especially when you’re tired and they were hoping for a yes.
A few things make it easier for both of you.
Say it early.
If you know early in the evening, say so then. A quick “I think tonight’s a no for me” at 7pm is kinder than leaving it until bedtime.
Start with something warm that’s true.
“I’d love to be near you. I’m just too tired tonight.” This tells them how you feel about them and leaves room for another time.
Keep the reason short, or leave it out.
You don’t have to explain. “Long day” is enough. If there’s a bigger reason, you can talk about it when you’re ready.
Offer something only if you mean it.
You can suggest another time, such as Friday, or something smaller, such as lying on the couch together. Only offer what you want to do. A promise you later resent is harder on both of you than a simple no.
If you’re the one hearing it.
It’s normal to feel disappointed. Saying “okay, thanks for telling me” is usually enough. Asking for reasons again and again can start an argument. A no tonight applies to tonight, and you could suggest something else you’d both enjoy, such as a film or an early night.
If it keeps happening.
Repeated nos can come from poor sleep, stress, a new baby, health or other issues. Talk about it at a calm time during the day, when sex isn’t on the agenda, and ask what’s going on for each of you.
This guide is general advice. If a pattern of nos is causing distress, or something hurts, a doctor, counsellor or sex therapist is the right person to talk to.